this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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