wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize