A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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