does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize