He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
