I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I died a long time ago.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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