can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
