you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
