Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
