it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
