The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
