Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
