I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
