There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
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