so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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