I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
