You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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