cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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