You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
