I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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