Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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