is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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