i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
