Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
