Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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