then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
