Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
