I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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