I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
