I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have fence marks all over my body
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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