that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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