I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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