i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
