If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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