I heard we made out
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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