ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
