The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
