I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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