I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The struggles of a small town man whore
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
