My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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