Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
