This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
