Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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