I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
