a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
