I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
