well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
