i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
