paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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