I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
