She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
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drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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