I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
