It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am mentally ready for anal.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
