I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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