I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
