Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
