I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
