im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
