The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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