We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
